Danielle 3 days old....I guess you are all wondering why I am reminiscing?!?! Well my friend Heather just had her baby girl last night by C-Section and I got to go and spend time with her and mommy and she is just so perfect...I mean every little feature was so...well, perfect. It seemed. And I just miss those days of contentment with my babies. They are aware of the harshness(well Danielle is), of this world and I cant help but ask myself why I rushed those precious days, so much so that I barely remember certain things about those first days. What happened to my Danielle who seemed so perfect?? She know battles the Bipolar disorder and PTSD. Why? I guess I could ask why all day long but that isnt going to take it away, I know! But Just seeing her made me think that while everyone comes in and says "Ooohhh, How perfectly precious!",I wonder what happened to my babies? The 9 that are in Heaven?? The 2 I have on this earth?? They need me now and while the doctors cant tell you on your childs day of birth that they continue to be perfectly healthy, I guess I lived in that fantasy world that nothing bad would happen to them.
Today, I had a team of 6 specialists sit across from a board room table and tell me that my child has a "Mood Disorder". WHAT! You dont think I know that! Why do you think I am here?!? I want to know why...Why is this happening to her...why at age 5...why hallucinations that terrify her...why not newborn bliss until she can handle this mean awful world?? Why, why, why??? Although they all had very good recommendations and accommodations and reason and much more then anyone person can handle to hear, I still can't shake this overwhelming feeling that I have failed as a mother. In fact, they said to me "Mrs. Smith, It seems as if you and Danielle missed a step in the dance of infancy. Can you recall a time that that may have happened?" Okay, I know they had only the best intentions since this is MUSC Childrens Hospital, but come on! How can a mother answer that question? How can I look at a bunch of strangers and say "Gee, I think it might of been the 6 1/2 months of screaming she did as an infant or the 18 months of continuous breastfeeding, or maybe the fact that I just didn't know what I was doing at age 20." To make it all feel that much worse they referred ME to counseling and said that I had to learn to parent my child in a "very different, yet gentle and non-combative way".
Wow! Thanks. I really needed that. I almost felt like at that moment they could have slapped me in the face and that would have hurt less. So as my sweet baby girl turns 6 on Monday, I will be reminded that once again I have failed as a parent. It seems. I have been praying really hard about this and I know God is teaching me something...i'm just not sure what. While I am figuring that out I will try to keep this blog on a more positive note...but please keep me in your prayers. I know my children need them too put I do that automatically everyday before the even open their tiny eyes....
By the way...The baby who I went to see was named:
Eliana Sierra Louise Webb!
at 8:43 pm
8lbs 12 ozs 20 inches long
Congrats to the family! She is absolutely precious! (Pics)